Numb
by Bunnylass
Summary: Oneshot. After suffering from an intense flashback of a torture session he experienced while stuck captive with the Decepticons, Ironhide wakes still trapped in his nightmare, battling to get out.


_**Disclaimer – **_Transformers is definitely not mine.

_**Rating – **_T

_**Summary **– _Oneshot. After suffering from an intense flashback of a torture session he experienced while stuck captive with the 'Cons, Ironhide wakes still trapped in his nightmare, battling to get out.

_**A/N – **_This was inspired by a line in _optimus prime 007_'s great story, _My Beautiful Rising Star_. I couldn't shake the idea of Ironhide suffering from a waking nightmare and shooting up the medbay. Hence, this came about. It wasn't easy to write, but I had a crack at it anyway. And if you haven't read op 007's story yet, you must! It's epic! :D Thanks for checking this out, reviews aren't necessary. I just had to get the idea written down. :) Peace! \m/

* * *

_**Numb **_

_All I saw was Chromia._

_The boom of my cannon firing went unheard as it echoed around me where we seemed suspended in space on an unknown planet, all alone. Not even a whisper reached my audios of the powerful sound. The energy and heat shooting from my arm and through my frame barely registered in my processor or more importantly, my spark. _Nothing_. I could feel nothing for what I just did._

_"'Hide . . ."_

_Distantly I saw her beautiful, loving and trusting face crumble in shock and pain. Her body lurching backwards where she teetered on her feet, wavering in the dust. Her chest was smoking and burning, letting an acrid smell drift to my nose from the point blank shot given to her by my weapon. Her stunning blue optics I've looked in to with anger and love flickered and died seconds after her expression faltered. Her curvaceous and battle worn frame slowly fell backwards, losing the fight with gravity to land on the ground with a sickening screech where she bounced from the dead fall. Lifeless, unmoving;_ gone_._

_And only _then _did the pain hit._

_I blinked away the moisture in my optics that came and came no matter how much I tried to fight it off. The feeling building and pressing against the walls of my chest so surprising, it didn't completely click with me straight away. It was so agonizing; I was almost numb to it. I looked down at my chassis looking for some kind of explanation to the feeling I was suffering through. My processor was sending warnings so quickly, none of them made any sense or registered with me like they should have done. The pain was searing through my chest like acid, eroding and burning through my armour. And suddenly, as if I had been shot in the chest myself, I knew what it was. What it could only be for the end I just gave._

_My spark splitting in two._

"**CHROMIA!**"

_With a spark wrenching scream torn from the very depths of the agony that can never be measured, never described and never stop, I dropped to my knees in the dust. Just as heavily as my sparkmates body fell. The ground shook taking my impact with its own groan, my cannon I had just used to shoot at my eternal love with, transforming back into my arm and burning from where it had been. The howl of pain I screamed her name with reverberated so loud, piercing and tortured, my throat_burned_with the force. But my vocal processor wouldn't give out no matter how long I yelled. It wouldn't stop!_

_My hands clawed and pulled at my chest plates, pulling them apart and show-casing my spark held withering with constraint within. The blue flickering light of my essence shone across the ground, lighting my frame. I wanted the release pushing against the barriers holding the fist clenching strain! For the pain to stop forever. My processor twisted and shredded, causing the madness to increase until I had nothing. Nothing but the same memory file being replayed over and over again! Of aiming at the Decepticon that, once my cannon fired, transformed in to my beautiful and fiery sparkmate; Chromia. I never hesitated. I let my instinct take over and I fired. There was no force of will to keep my arm to stay at my side. I had no reason to believe it was her. And she never saw it coming. Never stood a chance!_

_My hands scraped across my chest, my back arching towards the sky. For Primus to reach down and pluck my spark from me and end it all!_

_I wept. The tears for Chromia and for myself. They flowed down my face unchecked, dripping onto my open chassis and I didn't care. Nothing mattered. Nothing existed but for the pain. Unbearable torment that went on and on forever! My fingers danced around my spark, wanting nothing more than to rip it out of my own chest and let it extinguish in my hand. To end the suffering for what I did. For what I could never,_ever _forgive myself for. But no matter how much I wanted to do it, my body wouldn't obey! And my howls wrenched through the heavens calling out for her somehow. Begging to feel her wrapped and encased in my spark again._

_I have no idea how much time passed where I kneeled on the ground, begging for forgiveness and love from her. But eventually, my tears turned from unquenchable sorrow to un-concentrated fury. My anger bubbling and rising to a building crescendo I wanted nothing more than to unleash on someone or myself. My roar was loud, booming and filled with_death._I_wanted_the end. I_begged_ for the end. Clawing at the ground, my fist thumped repeatedly making the rock surface shake and vibrate with the power. Looking up I locked my optics onto Chromia's dead body and pulled myself over to her. Kneeling with her held across my lap, my tears glistening in the light of my spark, the two moons suspended in the sky shining down on us with all the silence of forever._

_My body weakened and I fell to my side, clutching Chromia's frame in my tight arms. My spark still on show and crying as it continued to slowly, painstakingly unravel and split apart. Giving me what I deserve and more. Calling and reaching out for something that would never be answered, never felt again._

_I gave in. I stopped fighting the undeniable pain and anger and gave up. My optics went offline and for the first time in my long life, I stopped fighting._

xXx

I came away from the nightmare and back to my senses waking with a jolt that shook my whole body. My spark raced in my chest and my frame ached from tension riddling tension. My spark felt drained and more than put through the pit. The after-effects of the torture I'd just been through _again_ whispering around my processor and my frame like tiptoeing fingers. A torment in themselves. But I stayed still, my optics offline and my systems running as low powered as possible so as to not alert the 'Cons I senses were close by. Telling myself over and over again Chromia _isn't_ dead; _that_ I didn't kill her. That it was just a form of torture.

Unfortunately I've lost count how many times they made me go through the same nightmare. Only with different methods of killing her by my own hand each time.

I had to bite down on my growl of fury at the thought. It was sitting in my tanks, waiting to be let loose. For at the end of every intense session, I _break_ each and every time. I give in to the grief powerless to be denied. But never to the fraggers toying with my processor. That feed the white hot fury building at their games. They twist and manipulate my memory banks. Changing some and completely reversing others. Psychological torture to try and break me quicker than any physical blow ever will. They know it and I know it. And still, Starscream asks the same question each time they end that session and I have to look into his slag-eating face.

"_How did you kill your precious sparkmate this time?_"

I've never been a good prisoner. And I'm smugly proud of that fact. That I can wind up the Decepticreep assigned to give me a beating. I just leave a little more scarred physically and a lot more fragged off in my processor and in my spark. But they've gotten colourful since the first time I was caught. They've dwelled on how to torture me. Their patience on trying to find new and entertaining ways to see what breaks me or even comes close frustrating them. Only this time, they've discovered it. Their mind probing that's enough to feel painfully real, chipping away at not only my spark, but my processor too.

Like _pit_ I'll let them win though.

Like the evil they are, I could feel them step up to the berth I was lying on. But surprisingly not strapped down. I couldn't feel the restraints on my arms, legs, chest, abdomen or head. I was disturbingly free. More free than I'd been since I was captured. However long ago that was. And the thought of jumping up, shooting them all and making a break for it almost made me do just that! My hand twitched even with the need to clench it into a fist. Just the smallest taste of freedom is like an energon boost shooting through my main lines and quickening my spark rate. I've never been desperate before. But I was beyond measure . . . _furious_.

I felt the 'Con move away again and I started counting the seconds passing, curbing my anger and biding my almost non-existent patience. I couldn't recognize the voices, but I didn't need to. I'd memorized their faces. That's all I need. Ready and waiting for when I'll come across them again in the future where I'll rip their sparks out and shoot them point blank and deal every death to them, they've ever tortured me do to Chromia. What my body was humming to jump up and deal them, even as I told myself it wouldn't only get me killed. Or worse.

"_What do we do now_?"

The question one of them asks sounded slurred and dysfunctional and I wondered how much of the drug was still left in my system. But I didn't have time to wait for it to dissipate. It had to be now! Someone answered and I bristled at the deep unrecognizable voice. But my boiling, white hot anger was slowly rising. Building. Waiting. Carefully, I curled my hands into tight fists on the berth, my arms steeling, bracing and ready for action. My legs tense and my spark rate increasing with the building suspense. My energon soaring through my lines. The counting of seconds is over and the fraggers are going to pay.

With a movement fluid for my bulk, but predatory and deadly as is my nature, I rolled off the berth, onlining my optics and powering up my cannons all within seconds.

Raising my head I lock my blurred gaze onto the four mechanisms standing in front of me in shock. Before their expressions dissolve and they break into action!

"_**Get him**_!"

Roaring with fury, I gripped the end of the berth I'd been laying on and flipped it up and over in their direction to slow their assault. Aware of my systems sounding an alarm before I'd even got going. The portable berth crashed into one of them with a cry and I spun to use my cannons to fire at the other three advancing towards me. I could hear the sounds of a monster in my audios so loud, it was deafening me to the sounds of attack going on around the room. But I paid no attention as I concentrated on taking down the big fragger advancing on me. Seeing his size and ignoring the warnings of my energy depleting quickly, I charged at him!

The force of my run and his weak struggle knocked him down straight away. But before I let him get over his shock, I reared my fist back and smashed it into his face again and again.

"_**Think you can make me kill my own sparkmate**_**?**!" I raged, my anger consuming me. It was like wild-fire spreading throughout my frame in frenzy. Looking down into the Decepticon's glowing red optics, battling through his attempts to get me off him, I snarled and pulled my cannon round and into his face. But I didn't get the chance to shoot the fraggers head off, because strong arms wrapped around me and yanked me off my prisoner. Pushing with my feet against the floor I shoved us back a few steps and made the 'Con holding me back fall down with me on top. "Get off me you fragger!"

Lifting an elbow I smashed it back in to his head and rolled off him when his arms released me to cradle his face. My cannons were up and whirring before I even got my wavering balance straight. But I sensed someone moving out to my side and come towards me. Without looking, I shot.

Debris, noise and chaos erupted around us all as the wall my plasma blast hit, because the slagging 'Con ducked out of the way, burst outwards and sent hurtling pieces of shrapnel in all directions. I let it ping off my armour and blinked through the dust cloud surrounding the room adding to my bad vision. "Grab him and strap him down!" Someone shouted angrily. I backed up a few steps and let my good optic scan around the room, counting the amount of energy signatures dotted around me. My energy was getting more and more critical but I still tuned it out. "Before he does anymore damage!"

"You'll never get me," I goaded, my fingers clenching and uncurling as we all stood, no-one moving. _Why aren't they charging or shooting at me_? I thought frustratingly. But I could feel something pressing against my spark. A . . . _nudge_. But I pushed it away and growled at the 'Cons surrounding me. The haze in my optics wasn't clearing no matter how much I blinked and sought to clear it. The dust had settled some from my explosion, but my processor was spinning out of control! My spark getting pushed at more and more. "_**Back off**_!" I boomed suddenly. Everything seemed to be getting out of control, confusing the slag out of me!

Something felt _off._

"**Stand-down**!" A voice bellowed back at me, full of authority like that would snap me round and get me doing what he said. I just tensed and bristled more. _Who does he think he is to tell me to stand down_? I thought angrily. This from fraggers that have done nothing but twist and fry my processor for their own entertainment? Like pit I'll ever stand-down to a Decepticon! "I'm giving you a direct order, soldier. Stand down, _**now**_!" He bellowed again and I could smell the tense, nervousness from them in the air. Nerves from a 'Con that clearly have me outnumbered? The more I questioned it the more my processor rebelled.

Never one to do much negotiating with a 'Con when they've kept me prisoner, I raised my cannon and laughed at him.

Just as I was about to fire directly at the place the bellow had come from, I felt a burst of - fear? - come surging at my spark, followed by a voice that made me stiffen and stop.

"'_**Hide**_!" She yelled. It sounded so much like Chromia, I felt my barriers protecting my spark shaken instantly. But when I narrowed my optics and tried to stare through the haze and saw the familiar outline of her body, I growled and crouched a little lower. Much more threatening than I ever was before; my cannons whined from my forcing them to stay online, my energy critically irritating my processor. "Don't do it! You're_**not**_ with the 'Cons, your with the Autobots!" She carried on.

I snarled and growled back. "What the frag makes you think I'm going to believe that?" I slowly and quietly responded. I wanted to hit myself for answering back. The urge to just shoot the slag out of the fraggers and escape just as strong as the voice in the back of my processor smacking me to listen. I never listen to that annoying voice. They manipulated my memories and forced me into recharge so I could experience a new and more spark-threatening memory re-call each time. I'd be even stupider to trust standing before me wasn't some kind of hologram or trick of the drug still in my system. "_**Deceptiscum**_."

I felt a quick whiplash of anger hit my spark seconds after that escaped my mouth, quickly followed by frustration.

I shook my head and tried to work out how they could do something like reach out to my spark. It wasn't possible unless –

Angry, _exhausted_ and frustrated with the lack of action, I pushed all the doubts and questions aside and charged up my cannon on my left arm, forgetting about the pain. With a curse thrown to them, I fired and made them all scatter, duck and cover from the blow and once-again rain of debris falling down around them. Then I heard the sound of a weapon priming from my right. "Don't make me do this, Sir!" Someone anxiously shouted out, but kept his weapon aimed on me anyway. I snorted at the image of Sunstreaker, knowing he would shoot me given half the chance and swung my arm around in his direction too.

"'_Hide_ for frag's sake; pull your head out of your aft!"

The supposed form of Chromia came charging out of the chaos and directly up to me. She stopped when she was just inches from having my cannon pressing up against her spark. And again, I felt my processor wavering at how finely tuned and detailed her features were. Her stunning blue optics looked up at me, pleading with me to listen, but daring me to fire. Just as the nudges and caresses to my spark increased and grew more powerful, as though she really _were_ standing in front of me, with my cannon pressed against her spark. I swallowed and ignored the careful movements of the other bots standing around me, their weapons engaged on us. But I couldn't tear my gaze away from her, or block my spark off from the intrusion. I was too physically weak.

"You _**know**_, 'Hide," She quietly said to me, her hand rising to lightly land on the hot turning and spinning of my cannon, slowly pushing it away from her. "You know."

But before I had the chance to say anything, her other hand shot out and stabbed me in the neck with something that knocked me out instantly.

xXx

Twitching the fingers of my left hand experimentally, they brushed up against the warm metal of someone half laid across me. More than a bit confused, I brought my optics online and stared down at the head of my pale blue sparkmate, Chromia, laid against my chassis. Her arm wrapped around me with the presence of her in my spark a soft and loving comfort. But also the bringer of a cold harsh memory coming straight to the front of my processor. Strong enough to make me suddenly wrench to my left and off the berth, scrambling across the floor to the waste receptacle conveniently placed near the berth. Where I purged my tanks until I had nothing left to throw up.

"Ironhide?"

I closed my optics to the sound of my strong, stubborn sparkmate coming from behind me. I could hear the sounds of her moving across the berth, until she stopped. She didn't say anything, just sat and waited for me to compose myself. I breathed in heavily through my intakes and tried to settle the queasy feeling still spiralling in my tanks. The memory still fresh and vivid in my CPU. Not of the torture the 'Cons made me go through. But of the trying to kill my friends and . . . _sparkmate_, because I was trapped in a _real_ nightmare and thought I was back with the 'Cons. When all along, it was just a trick of my own processor.

I shook my head and thumped my fist against the floor. Onlining my optics and looking around me. I wasn't in the half destroyed med-bay anymore. I was in the brig. I wasn't surprised. Not with the high chance of having another 'episode'. I could feel Chromia reaching out to me subtly, but I gently pushed her away, asking for more time. She granted it to me, but I still heard her sigh softly behind me. I could have killed her. For real this time. I had my weapon pressed to her spark. I could have killed Optimus, Ratchet. I even very nearly shot at Sunstreaker! All those that were trying to help me. They should have strapped me down. They should have knocked me out!

With a growl, I slammed my fist down again before I raised it and sent it slamming in to the wall closest to me. It only vented a tiny bit of my anger and guilt though.

"It's no-one's fault but the fragging Decepticons, 'Hide," Chromia spoke up. This time, not backing away when I growled for her too through my spark. "And don't you dare start pushing me away. Not after what I went through to get you back. I'm just as angry as you are, but it's not going to help right now. So get your head out of your aft and quit with the pity. You _know_ it's pointless." Although she was angry on the surface, she was pleading through our bond. Her concern and fear for me making me turn around and look at her. _Really_ look at her for the first time since I got captured.

She looked as tired as I felt. And I knew without asking that she'd been sitting by my side since we got out of the 'Cons base. She was the only one that could get through to me the first time I 'freaked out'. Anything could have happened if she hadn't have snapped me out of it partially this time, too.

As much as I wanted to brush away everything she was saying to me, I couldn't ignore what her spark was asking of me. I can never deny what Chromia asks of me.

I creakily stood up, still feeling the aches and pains, with new ones from my jaunt in the med-bay. Turning around to face her, I leaned up against the same wall I punched before. I didn't hold back what I was feeling in my spark. The dangerous fury with the 'Cons and for what they've made me do. Anger and guilt with myself that I know won't ebb until I've had the chance to shoot the slag out of some holo-cons. And fear . . . that I might not have been saveable this time and really _could _have hurt Chromia.

"It would never happen, 'Hide," She spoke up, her determination and complete faith in that encompassing me through our bond. Soothing my unspoken fears. "Because I wouldn't let it. And you know that."

Before I really thought about what I was doing, I stepped over to her where she was sitting on the edge of the berth and leaned down so her hands were braced behind her with mine sitting just by her hips. She matched my glower with one of her own. And her smugness caressed my spark. It weakened me to the point of telling her what I needed to say. To voice why no amount of cajoling would diminish my anger anytime soon.

"The 'Cons made me think I'd killed you, 'Mia. Over and over again," I bit out, barely audibly. It sounded like the words were costing me, because they were. Because I knew, before I even said them that she would understand. She would know what I went through each time I was pushed into the twisted memory. She could feel the after-effects of it through my spark and seeping into hers. She didn't push any of it away, even though it hurt her to feel and know what I went through. She didn't once pull away from me. "When I woke up in the med-bay, I'd just suffered a memory recall of one. That's why I – "

"I know," She said, picking up where I couldn't finish.

I searched her expression and her spark, knowing she did. That there was no further need for me to explain. I lifted a hand and traced it down the contours of her beautiful face, my spark reaching out for her in unison. One of her legs reached up and wrapped over my hip, pulling me down so I could nuzzle her face. I wanted more. A _lot_ more. To join with her right now. Here. Security cameras be damned. My systems whined with the strain already on them, my interface systems starting up wasn't helping. Anything Ratchet might have given me after they knocked me out had worn off and my automatic recharge systems were warning me.

Shifting away from the desire coiling through me and into Chromia and met in kind, I spoke. "So how thick is Prowl's report going to be?" I asked, trailing my finger down her throat to her breastplates. Watching her optics darken after I finished admiring her curvaceous frame. It was going a long way to helping me ignore all the raging chaos still bouncing around my processor and spark.

She cocked her optic ridge and gave me a smirk. "Let's see," She drawled. "You threw the portable berth at Prowl, punched Prime a few times and nearly blew his head off. You blew up a good part of the medbay and shot a few rounds at everyone else . . . I'd say it was quite impressive actually, my love. Just don't expect your check-up to be too pleasant. Ratchet's a bit . . . fragged off right now. He's taken your weapons offline too. But still insisted you come to the brig."

"It was a wise choice," I answered, blowing out air in a huff. "I'm sorry I caused such a mess."

"You're sorry you nearly killed a few of your best friends and sparkmate. Not because you blew up the med-bay," She grinned, her humour seeping over our bond. I didn't hold back the snort at her estimation. She was right, I wasn't entirely sorry for that. "I'm not mad at you for that you know. The whole shutting me out and threatening me," She reached out a hand and laid it on my face, pulling me towards her. "I know you, 'Hide. I know that wasn't you in there when you did all that."

"I told you, the 'Cons are the ones to be mad at. The nightmares, they're all part of being held captive by them. You know that, I do, and so do every other Autobot. You're far from perfect, Ironhide, but you're not completely useless either," She laughed, pressing her foreplates to mine running her hands down my chassis. Her words were nothing compared to the love flowing over our bond though. The same love that was what snapped me round. "Now are you going to snap out of this pity and kiss me? I've waited long enough."

"Yes, Ma'am," I grinned, my hands sliding around her waist to her back and capturing her lips with mine. It was a feral, raw and passionate kiss that revved my interface systems and turned on my cooling fans. There was no gentleness to it. Just a fierce desire to reacquaint ourselves with one another and chase away the last dredges of after-affects the 'Cons sick and twisted processor games did to me. Shifting, I kneeled up on the berth and pressed her down to it. Hands everywhere, taking, pulling and stealing from each other. There's a long way to go before I'll get rid of the images and affects on my spark they brought.

I pulled away from the kiss and stared down at her, frowning. "Are you sure you want to be in here with me? If I wake from another – "

"I'm not going anywhere, 'Hide. Besides, with me here, you won't have another nightmare. Now shut up and come 'ere!"

I obeyed.


End file.
